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Wednesday, April 25th, 2007
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Saturday, October 1st, 2005
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| Time: | 12:27 pm. |
| Mood: |  nostalgic. |
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I haven't written for so long and I must admit that I've been neglecting it, but here's to a change. I've been working a lot lately and hanging out with some people from work doing a thing we like to call "game night" that's right-- game night!! LOL. It's just some time hanging out with people not thinking about what I really should be thinking about-- all the drama that I try to ignore and try to neglect, but it keeps popping up and haunting me like always.
I haven't talked to Nick for a while-- I hope this won't end like me and Brady, but I don't want to be the one to call... again. I'm sick of being the person who pushes for a relationship, I'm sick of trying, I'm sick of caring, of wanting, of loving someone who treats me like shit and leaves me on a wimb of something else-- anything else. I'm sick of hearing people tell me to dump himn when all I want is for things to go back to the way they were when I could be wicked happy just thinking about those big brown eyes, or the smile that always popped out whenever he saw me and I knew he wanted me and I knew he loved me even though he didn't say it. And I'm talking like we're really over, but I honestly have no clue because it's hard to know what's going on with someone whom you never talk to and really don't know as well as you had believed. It hurts so much and it makes me wanna run away from all of it-- to just start again, but the truth is that I really don't want to start over. I've had to "start over" so many times with so many different types of people and it's the most difficult thing in the world for me. I hang around just enough to become attached and then I move on and it's all too much.
you're leaving me fast as lightning, you're leaving me just to spite me... Time out, I don't need this drama-- but I will take you back any day... I'm honest as a photo booth, I'm just playing off of you...
Argh!!!!!! Axel's been asking me all kinds of girl questions for his broken relationship's, lol-- who am I to give advice I have no idea what the hell I'm doing myself.
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Comments: Add Your Own.
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Thursday, April 7th, 2005
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| Time: | 4:15 pm. |
| Mood: |  bouncy. | | Music: | Nirvana.. |
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I chopped my hair off :D It's right above my shoulders, but compared to what it was it seems really short. I love it though and if I knew how to upload pics I would, but yay for being computer challenged :) It's so curly!!
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Comments: Read 3 or Add Your Own.
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Wednesday, March 16th, 2005
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| Time: | 4:59 pm. |
| Mood: | proud. |
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if times worth anything-- we'll always be wealthy...
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Comments: Read 4 or Add Your Own.
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Everything has been so hectic and rushed the past few weeks and this is the first time that I’ve been able to sit down and appreciate how great everything is right now, and how grateful I am to know the people in my life. I missed you Linds—I didn’t get the call until the next morning and I want you to know that it killed me to hear that you had already left. But things happen and it just means that I’ll have to make my way out there when you’re back. I love you dearly and you happy = me happy J
Sometimes a night turns out so perfect that you just cannot even think about anything else for a long time afterward. Maybe it was the fact that I had a craving for people and wanted to laugh and talk and be with others. We played pool for hours and I was horrible at it—I scratched every time and the balls were flying all over including the floor, but it was the smile on Nick’s face and how he looked into my eyes when I puckered up and hugged him every time we had a spare moment. And Chad was funny, and kind, and great. He put on his flashing lights above his truck in the parking lot and we danced while Nick had a smoke and we giggled until it was time to leave. We made our way to Chad’s girlfriends house to feed the horses—he’s babysitting while her and her family are out of town. They heard us walking up and all seven came running to see us and they stood there just staring, waiting, and I fell in love with all of them. I fed them sugar, carrots, and apple treats while we waited for Chad to get the hay and my hands were covered in slobber. Her house was so warm and every chair was overstuffed and comfy—I could have fallen asleep in a second I was so tired. I had an old school Pepsi from a bottle machine and chicken with bacon and cheese while we watched for Jake. Her dad is a gourmet chef and that was the only reason why I tried that meal, but it was wicked good. We didn’t leave until around one and when we got home we cuddled all night under the big warm comforter and fell asleep entwined together; dreaming together. This all must sound so pretentious and cliché, but hell it all felt so good and maybe that’s what makes it sound like that.
Are you happy now—this is what you want? Are you feeling proud of our love? Is this helping out in any way? Does this mean that now you will be ok?
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Tuesday, February 15th, 2005
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| Time: | 6:18 pm. |
| Mood: |  rejected. | | Music: | Postal Service. |
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hmmm... Valentines Day was not as pleasing as I though it was gonna be. My baby didn't care that I spent a long time picking out a gift and embossing a card for him-- a very cute card that asked him to be my valentine. He barely wanted to leave his computer for two seconds to open the damn thing. He then said, "Heh, I've never had a valentine before." Then got off the bed and walked back to whatever he was doing to begin with! :( Oh well... who ever said that it would be easy for me? LOL. He didn't get me anything either-- I told him all I wanted was for him to make me something; anything at all. But, nothing. It's not the present that bugs me-- it's the lack of thought; the lack of anything having to do with me! I didn't even see him on the actually day of Valentines, only Sunday. I spent the day with Kristina at the car shop, and the shopping, ha. Well I bought myself some bamboo to make up for my crappy day. What the hell does this mean??!!
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Wednesday, February 9th, 2005
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Every time I sleep over Nick’s he wakes me asking if I’m alright. Half asleep and scared for no reason I just mumble so I can get back to my rest. He says you were shaking and crying out. I think you were having a nightmare. This doesn’t happen every once and a while—it’s every single time and I sleep over there for several days in a row. I wonder if that’s all I dream. He tells me I thrash around and swing my arms—which is a rem sleeping disorder. I dunno, but last night had to be the worst dream that I’ve ever had. I was in the back seat of a brown Jeep—Brad Pitt was driving and then there was a black kid in the passenger’s seat. It was obvious that we three were best friends and that we were hangin out, but we were parked in front of this old white church. The jeep was old and dusty, but there was a tv screen in the middle of the dashboard. Brad had just put in a tape and we were getting ready to watch. We had pot and the passenger seat guy was holding on to it. We were waiting till after the movie to smoke up I guess. But then the movie started and it was a porno. There was a guy kissing a girl and then he started going down on her—slightly dragging his finger across her breast and then down further. He went past her crotch and came to her leg. Her led had a huge wound in ti, it was ripped open and bloody. There were little yellow chunks in the middle and I didn’t know what it was. The the guy just shuved his head into the wound and began eating her. He would rip pieces and swing it aound before slurping it back into his mouth. I was so terrified and I ran into the church. The guy with the pot ran after me and tried calming me down. Brad was just playin it cool and was like it’s just a porno. I am still terrified of the thought of that open wound. I can’t even believe that I dreamt it. It’s sick.
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Tuesday, February 1st, 2005
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It's hard to remember, it's hard to remember
We're alive for the first time
It's hard to remember were alive for the last time
It's hard to remember, it's hard to remember
To live before you die
It's hard to remember, it's hard to remember
That our lives are such a short time
It's hard to remember, it's hard to remember
When it takes such a long time
It's hard to remember, it's hard to remember:
My mom's God is a woman and my mom she is a witch
I like this
My hell comes from inside, comes from inside myself
Why fight this
Everyone's afraid of their own lives
If you could be anything you want
I bet you'd be disappointed, am I right?
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| Time: | 5:06 am. |
| Mood: |  cynical. | | Music: | Modest Mouse. |
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I wanna remember to remember to forget you forgot me
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Comments: Read 2 or Add Your Own.
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Friday, January 21st, 2005
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Wake up and face me, don’t play dead cause maybe
Someday I’ll walk away and say, “You disappointed me,”
Maybe you’re better off this way.
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Thursday, January 20th, 2005
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| Time: | 10:30 pm. |
| Mood: |  sleepy. |
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Just call me Super Stump for now on, lol.
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Saturday, January 8th, 2005
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| Time: | 10:10 am. |
| Mood: |  cold. | | Music: | Chevelle- Dos. |
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Soooo... a lot has happened over these few days. I finally have my own working computer and internet that I can use whenever I please. I was plaing on it all night untill I went to Nicks at midnight. But if you'd like to add me my sn is StephieGrrl333. Don't ask-- it was only thing in the world not taken. My old name vernalstargazer, was even taken. Who the hell- other than me- would have that as their name? Oh well, mines not so bad... But anyway I have also joined the gym. A really great gym that I used to go to in eleventh grade with Jenny and Alison untill I decided I wanted to be lazy again, lol. But I had a meeting with the personal trainer and he told me what my body fat percentage was-- you don't want to know, lol. and then we worked out a whole ruitine that will focus on what I want-- like my butt, legs, and abs. I've been going everyday running and every other day doing the machines. It gives me so much energy and I can already feel the results,lol. Everythime I went to put a cover on a coffee cup today my abs ached. I don't know how that would use them, but apparently it does. I get free classes, meetings with the trainer, tanning, and raquet ball all for $40! Yup, going with friends who are skeptical can pay off in the end cause the person wants the sail so bad they will do anything. Whatever deal she got, I got. So I guess you can say I'm a happy camper. It's snowing like a bitch outside and I just got in from work. So many crashes just within the few miles from my house to Dunks. People are crazy though-- one guy passed me because apparently my slow, but safe speed of 25 was too low for his liking. I didn't see his car flipped while I was driving so I guess 40 was ok for him. It scares me how insane drivers are though. They just don't think. I got two hours of sleep last night, if that. I lost track of time and when Nick called for me to sleep over I couldn't resist. I missed my baby so much. I never thought that I'd become so attatched to someone and actually like it and appreciate it. We're finally going shopping for my x-mas gift tomorrow or monday. I'm excited cause I can pick out anything I want. I want jewlery cause no guy has ever given me something really nice like that before. I also just want something that I can wear all of the time and be able to say, "My baby got me this!" That was the exact reason Nick didn't want to get me jewelery, lol. He is very practical and doesn't like things that don't have a "good" use. I think that's why it's so hard for me to go shopping for him-- I cannot buy him anything, I have to buy him something he will use right away, lol. But I don't have to worry for awhile about gifts cause it's my b-day that's coming up and his is a year away almost. For valentines day I'm gonna draw him a picture. I have the perfect idea in my head, but we'll see how it turns out, lol. K, now I'm just babbling. I hope everyone is enjoying their vacation and isn't partying too hard, lol. I love all of you!!!!
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Comments: Read 1 or Add Your Own.
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Saturday, December 18th, 2004
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| Time: | 12:38 pm. |
| Mood: |  amused. |
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" A friend is someone who bails you out of jail, A best friend is the person sitting next to you in the jail cell saying "that was cool"
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Monday, December 13th, 2004
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I have two grand cash.
I think I’m gonna go away for a bit, to the islands. Where the ocean is clear.
I have work in less than a half an hour.
I have final projects due this week and I haven’t finished any.
I have a deep longing for a hug from Nick.
I want to see our Sekky. She’s da best.
I hope I don’t work on New Years cause I have three big parties to go to.
I hope that my roll of film comes out perfect.
I love my baby.
I love me.
I want to dance- real bad dood.
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Saturday, December 11th, 2004
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Two of my suitemates and i stumbled back to fall fest. We then drunkenly decided it was the 'right war, at the place, at the right time' and pranced upon the lit stage. Each of us confidently dancing with a woman, three women. Women, who were not women at all, but men. Men who normally dress like men. Men who are straight. Men who are completely confident in their own sexuality that they could dress in miniskirts, tanktops, and stillettos. Men that grabbed me, danced with me and completely sandwiched me.
I was in a transvestite sandwich.
so
much
fun.
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Friday, December 10th, 2004
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you said you hate my suffering, and you understood, and you'd take care of me. you'd always be there, but where are you now?
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Monday, December 6th, 2004
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| Time: | 6:14 pm. |
| Mood: |  flirty. | | Music: | Bright Eyes dood. |
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Lately I've been wishing I had one desire
Something that would make me never want another
Something that would make it so that nothing matters
All would be clear then
But I guess I'll have to settle for a for a few brief moments
And watch it all dissolve into a single second
And try to write it down into a perfect sonnet
Or one foolish line
Cause that's all that you'll get
So you'll have to accept
You are here and then you're gone
But I believe that lovers should be chained together
Thrown into the ocean in the worst of weather
Left there to drown
Left there to drown in their innocence
But as for me I'm coming to the final chapter
I read all of the pages and there's still no answer
Only all that was before I know must soon come after
That's the only way it can be
So I stand in the sun
And I breathe with my lungs
Trying to spare me the weight of the truth
Saying everything you've ever seen was just a mirror
You've spent your whole life sweating in an endless fever
And laying in a bathtub full of freezing water
Wishing you were a ghost
But once you knew a girl and you named her "Lover"
Danced with her in kitchens through the greenest summer
But autumn came, she disappeared, you can't remember
Where she said she was going to
But you know that she's gone
Cause she left you a song
That you don't want to sing
Singing, I believe that lovers should be chained together
Thrown into a fire with their songs and letters
Left there to burn
Left there to burn in their arrogance
But as for me I'm coming to my final failure
I've killed myself with changes trying to make things better
And ended up becoming something other
than what I had planned to be
All right
I believe that lovers should be draped in flowers
And laid entwined together on a bed of clovers
Left there to sleep
Left there to dream of their happiness
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Tuesday, November 30th, 2004
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| Time: | 9:00 pm. |
| Mood: |  ditzy. | | Music: | Forget about me. |
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Woot! I have just finished lots-o-xmas shopping!! I spent two hours looking for friggin coasters for my aunt. I thought it would be an easy gift, but I was so very, very wrong! I just have to get my brother, Lian, and Nick, but I know exactly what I want to get him-- it's the $ thats an issue :)
This weekend was the best weekend ever. I saw my girls and spent the whole day with them. Then I got to see my baby and yell at him and then everything was worked out and it's better than ever. We spent all weekend together-- day and night. I don't think I slept at all. I had fun though. He bought a digi cam that also has a video camera and we fooled around with that all Saturday and then we watched Seinfeld until the we hours in the morning. It sounds like not a lot, but it was so much fun because it was just us and it hasn't been like that in a while. I love my baby!! Anyway... I thin k I have to get a second job-- I'm thinking somewhere that I don't have to wear a uniform. It puts a damper on your self esteem when you look like a slob at work in guys pants and over sized shirts. I hate it.
I think I'm becoming obsessed with myspace because of all the people I'm meeting.
My computer will be fixed in less than a week thanks to Bryan!!!!!! I will soon have my own aim sn so I will not be iming people from Nix or Eds and hoping that people will answer back. lol. I'm terribly happy right now.
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Thursday, November 18th, 2004
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The smoke swirled out of his lungs and through his pierced, wrinkled lips and lingered at the yellowed ceiling. His thick hand dangled over the sink-- the ashes of the cigarette threatening to drop. His usual stance was replaced with a hazardous, angled one. His eyes glazed over, and bloodshot... He exited the store gaily clutching the box of beer for dear life. His anticipation was so high for the next few hours he would spend drinking that he pissed himself.
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Saturday, November 13th, 2004
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![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small}
vernalstargazer's journal
silly.
calm.
dirty.
drained.
disappointed.
artistic.